The movie wasn't as horrible as I feared. It was horrible, but in a totally different way than I'd expected. It was more befuddling than actively offensive, really. The first 15 minutes or so were promising -- I mean, a guy gets a bike in the face, how cool is that? -- but the rest of the movie made up for it by having some of the slowest scenes I've ever sat through in my life. If I hadn't had Paul making snide MST3K comments with me throughout the whole thing, I'd have gone batty for sure. I want to be in a room alone with whomever decided it was artistic to have multiple "emotional dialogue" scenes, without the benefit of emotion or meaningful dialogue. At least put some music in the background there, bud.

The bike clubs themselves were actually the most redeeming factor of the whole movie for me. They had both male and female members, and a wide variety of bikes respresented (besides the main Hayabusa, CBR, Duc, and R1, we counted Harleys, a Kawa ZX-12, a Triumph, some Gixxers, etc). In fact, most of the movie consisted of me and Paul frantically identifying on-screen bikes at one another.

I was pleased with the dialogue that Queenie had let Smoke win a race, thus insinuating that she was a better racer than him, but I would have liked to have seen at least one girl race. In fact, I'd have liked to have seen the main character race. Did the director ever watch this movie? We're supposed to believe that The Kid went on to go toe-to-toe with Smoke, the *ahem* King of Cali, after we'd seen him race TWICE (and he crashed out during the second one)? *coughbullshitcough*. Given what we saw of this guy on his motorcycle, I could have probably kicked his ass in the quarter-mile.

And while I'm ranting about The Kid and Smoke, there was no reason whatsoever for Smoke to have let him win. OK, fine, I understand the whole deeper metaphor of Smoke growing older and losing the fire in his eyes (or whatever the hell Dogg was telling him at the booty-viewing, I mean bike-washing). But, c'mon, he could have at least raced Queenie and she would have kicked his butt all proper-like. But no. Smoke had to race and "lose to" the snot-nosed, whiny, bratty little punk kid with no sense of personal responsibility. Can I just say how much I hate those kind of characters? I mean, seriously. His dad gets a sportsbike upside the head, and the little brat thinks he's all that? Why did no one kick the crap out of this kid and take him down a notch or five during this entire movie?

Can I just ask where all the Biker Boyz even came from? One minute, it was The Kid and Primo and Token White Guy With No Name kicking around, and the next thing I know, they're standing on a cliff surrounded by a horde of 12-year-old boys (er, boyz, sorry) in yellow jackets. And, what in the holy hell was with those bandanas? Does anyone do that?

Ok, I just noticed that off of the "Biker Boyz" website, there are "club websites" for the Biker Boyz and the Black Knights. OK, that's cute. But, explain something to me. Why does the little "bio" for Half-and-Half on the Black Knights page say that she's the only woman who rides with the Black Knights? Am I the only person who saw Queenie in the movie? Please tell me that I didn't hallucinate Lisa Bonet. Or was she not actually part of the Black Knights, she just sat around on a bike, looking pouty and spouting off about letting Smoke win? This is all so confusing.

I think I should start adding that trippy "tunnel vision" photoshop effect to all of my motorcycle quicktime movies, too, dontcha think? Wooooo, lookit the swirly colors, man.

"I am in serious need of an ass-kicking."

"Why is the Token White Man With No Name wearing that silly bandana under his helmet?"